Friday, November 7, 2008

Delayed Obedience is Disobedience

"OBAYFUSSENDENKINTAK!" came the shrill voice of my darling toddler. Always up for a good mystery, I followed the shrieking to it's pint-sized source. "OBAYFUSSENDENKINTAK!" Whatever that meant, she was serious about it. At nearly 2 years of age, little Claire usually spoke quite plainly, but I couldn't make heads or tails out of this exclamation. She had evidently decided that the toy in Seth's hand needed to be in her hand, as evidenced by her dimply little white knuckles wrapped around said toy while she leaned with all 24 pounds away from her older brother. Oh, I'm such a sleuth. As I came in the room, she began to jerk the toy. "OBAY! FUSSEN! DEN! KIN! TAK!" she chanted. And it dawned on me. "Obey first. Then we can talk." She had heard it so often she thought it was what you said when you wanted someone to change their behavior. Yep. I say that a lot.

Delayed obedience isn't really obedience at all. Our children can ask or tell us anything, as long as it is done respectfully, and AFTER indicating their intent to obey. My kids seem to want to answer in any number of ways when they receive an instruction from me or their dad. "Why?" is a favorite. "I don't want to" is fairly bold, but a couple of them have been known to try it. "But I was just..." happens a lot, as though my instructions would have been different if I had been aware of their agenda. All of those responses indicate an unwillingness to be immediately and completely compliant with my instructions, and are therefore unacceptable. Acceptable responses include, "Okay, Mom" and "Yes, Ma'am" and my favorite, though no one is willing to use it yet, "Here am I. Send me". But that last one could be a teensy bit over the top.

There are times when a child is so sure that if I just knew about their particular extenuating circumstance, then I would no doubt impose the accursed assignment (read: vacuum the music room) on another, more deserving sibling. For that reason, I will accept the following response one time: "Okay mom, but can I tell you something?" That says to me that they indeed intend to carry out my instructions but they think that they have information which might change my mind. I must say that, a time or two, they've been right. More often that not, however, I've anticipated their thinking (shrewd woman that I am) and taken it into account beforehand. There are times when I don't let them "tell me something", such as when time is an issue. I will say, "We don't have time. Please do as you're told." At which point, if they are wise, they will obey. If they are not wise, well, a great sadness will come upon the land, with weeping and gnashing of teeth. So to speak.

You see, I gave up a long time ago trying to cajole my children into agreeing that this or that thing is a good idea. I also don't negotiate with toddlers, teens or terrorists. I read the phrase, "Obey first. Then we can talk" in one of my favorite parenting books, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining and Bad Attitudes...in you and your kids!" by Turansky and Miller of The National Center for Biblical Parenting, and I knew I had hit on something that would work in our family. This article by Joanne Miller does a great job of summarizing this principle, if you'd like to read more about it. The bottom line is that I want my children to obey me the first time and without arguing because I think that this ability is central to their success as adults, but more importantly I think that cultivating this character quality prepares them to follow God wherever He may lead, and that is where the rubber meets the road.

15 comments:

  1. These are wise words you write. I'm going to have to find that book. My son is only 9 months old, and I am already worried that I will fail him in the discipline department. I want him to grow to know God, love him and RESPECT him. "Obey first. Then we can talk." ... sounds like advice I could use myself. Thanks!

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  2. It sounds like a good plan - I just hope I can implement it! My girls are just at the age of arguing and it's driving me crazy! Do you want to move to my town and mentor me :)

    I linked to you! Thanks for sharing the article!

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  3. We read the same books only I had forgotten which book I got that from. "Obey first, then we'll talk" comes out my mouth more frequently than "Hey you, bring me a Pespi!" Another response that I have yet to get my children to use with any frequency is "Yes your majesty, in all of your beauty, I will obey." Oh well...there's still tomorrow!

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  4. I can totally agree with this. Kids need to learn at an early age who is in charge and i have never been one to accept back talk and arguing with an adult maybe because my parent didnt accept it from me.

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  5. Wow Dana. You never fail to blow me away with your clear, loving logic.

    Our kids are just at the age where we can start to implement this pronto. My seven-year-old is pretty good. But my five-year-old? Oy. We're in the thick of it. I'm holding my ground. (There's the benefit of being a strong-willed parent. "I'm sorry. Are you going to try to take ME on, little man? I think not.")

    I'm going to bookmark this and read it again, to make sure it sinks in.

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  6. Oh, geez...i need a mulligan. Do you take boarders? Just to get them (or ME) on the right track, and then we can giterdone the right way...

    I do have fantastic kids, but I fear it's in spite of me, rather than because of me, sometimes.

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  7. Great post, Dana! I read "Say Goodbye to Whining..." several years ago, and this is the #1 principle from that book that I've kept with me. I sometimes falter in my consistency, but do my best to quickly get back on track. I like that you allow, "Okay Mom, but can I tell you something?" My 10-year-old often feels he has some life-shattering information that will change my mind, and I'm fine with him sharing that -- but like you said, the intent to obey needs to be there first.

    Thanks for the encouragement and reminder!! And I love Claire's obayfussendenkintak. Amusingly, I figured it out immediately, perhaps because I am knee-deep in toddler-speak myself these days.

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  8. Right on, lady mom! That's the rule for the road in this house. I tell the boys that this is not the UN and I'm not seeking a resolution to which they can all agree. They know that when they first demonstrate willing obedience, then I'm willing to hear them out in the times of mitigating circumstances. But continual resistance and/or hesitation just means a gavel has fallen somewhere and it's not going to be pretty.

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  9. we are raising 4 girls, 3 are teens and I am really struggling with this right now....Thank you for the reminder, I'm off to read the article... :) LA

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  10. I just love how you convey such wonderful truths and make me laugh at the same time!

    Smiles,
    Lea

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  11. I knew this phrase from your other, older, former blog. But thanks for the book name, article link, etc. I like these posts. I need to read this stuff and be reminded!

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  12. And here I thought I was being so innovative when I started telling my daughter the same thing a year or so ago.

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  13. I know a dad that had his children say, "Yes ma'am/sir. I'd be glad to."

    Needless to say I haven't attained to that with my kids.

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  14. I absolutely LOVE this post, and it comes at a time when I needed reassurance.

    So many friends and family DO negotiate with children, and put kids' selfish WANTS first, rather than what's BEST for them.

    Thanks for some great encouragement!

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  15. You so crack me up. Some of the stuff you say is priceless. You witty girl, you. Oh yeah, and I love that book. Family changer fer sher.

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